THE first story for this month’s CFJ occurred when I was contracting. I’d previously been training some operatives in wood flooring preparation and had been horrified by the amount of complaints regarding failures that were affecting the domestic and light commercial sector. I followed this up by undertaking a programme for high-end retailers to rectify the issues by uplifting and replacing them throughout the UK.

To be honest I enjoyed this. However working with the public is never easy and this is a story that springs to mind:

The project in Essex was to uplift and replace solid timber flooring that had been installed in a domestic property built in the ‘30s. The timber had been adhered to a latex which had been laid over a bituminous product, and as one would expect had caused the bitumen to separate from the concrete subfloor.

The other factor was that there would have been no structural membrane in the sub floor build-up, a fact that was established by the age of the building.

On inspection, it was made clear that while we could apply a surface DPM to attempt to control the moisture but couldn’t guarantee or underwrite this, to which the customer agreed somewhat reluctantly. But their hearts were set on solid timber so all was agreed and the project commenced.

As is often the case when trying to uplift and replace in a domestic situation while the inhabitants wish to stay in residence there were sometimes difficulties in explaining that the products applied to the floors shouldn’t be trafficked until cured.

However this was all working quite well until the Friday evening when a call was received from the householder which went as follows:

Householder: I’m sorry to trouble you on a Friday evening, but we have a question for you. What is the product you applied for us in the utility room?

Me: Oh that was the damp-proof membrane. You asked if we could extend the kitchen area into the utility room if you remember?

Householder: Yes, I remember. It’s just, well, what is the product actually?

Me: It’s a two-component epoxy resin.

(Long pause)

Householder: What can you use to remove it from surfaces?

Me: Apologies, have we not removed it from everything? We would suggest that a spirit-based product can remove it before it is fully cured.

Householder: No, no, that isn’t down to you.

Me: Can I ask then, what are you trying to remove it from?

Householder: My cat! He forced the cat-flap open and laid down in it!

To conclude I called them on the Saturday to ask what had happened and after a visit from the vet – which resulted in a cat that was bald on one side – all was well and we were able to see the funny side. I doubt the cat did though. And as I said to the customer, at least he wouldn’t get wet when he ventured outside now!

In another story, a contractor of mine called to say he had an emergency repair to carry out at a primary school, but it had to be done on a Saturday morning as the school was holding a Peppa Pig themed open day and needed the particular area to be open as it was the main thoroughfare into the hall.

We duly arrived at 6:30am and quickly devised a programme to install a temporary fix to be permanently rectified during the week after.

As we were tidying up and making the area safe, we were discussing the whys and wherefores with the organising committee, as the stall holders began to arrive. This went unnoticed by us and we were offered a drink and a snack free-of-charge by the organisers of the Peppa Pig fun day, which believe it or not was actually a hog roast.

During my time as a technical manager, some trips abroad were required with contractors to specify and oversee projects. One such trip to Paris was arranged and I flew out to meet the contractor onsite just as riots were being reported in some districts of the city. One particular site that we visited had been totally burnt out, and was just a shell.

The hotel was booked on my behalf by the contractor and was a grand-looking affair in a district which had once been a respectable area but was on the wane and in need of some TLC.
I arrived and in my admittedly poor command of the Gallic tongue announced: ‘J’ai une chambre reservee a mon nom’, which I hoped resembled something like: ‘I have a room booked in my name?’
The woman on the front desk spoke no English and there we stalled. She called her manager who appeared from another door and shrieked: ‘Ah you are the English Penis’! To which I couldn’t think of a reply, but just thought that it was their way of continuing to insult the English.
I was subsequently introduced to a number of members of staff under this identity, my confusion growing.

After about 20 minutes, my contact appeared in reception to greet me and was also confused by the reference that had been lauded on me, so we agreed to go along with it to save further confusion. The manager then said: ‘Allez, ici la Salle de Danse’ and waved at me to follow him through the door to the elaborate ballroom.

When we arrived at the stage, all suddenly became clear as he pointed to the grand piano, then at me saying: ‘You English penis!’

With my contractor’s command of Inspector Clouseau-esq French it was explained that I wasn’t the English pianist they’d booked for their function and there – I’m happy to report – the confusion ended.
Graham Stott is an independent
columnist for CFJ